Looking after each other

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Once we knew we could talk about problems without being judged, that's what brought us closer together

How does a friendship become more than just someone to spend time with? How do the people in our craft group, neighbours, and colleagues become people we can turn to when life gets difficult?

Through our work exploring resilience in communities, we’ve learnt that strong communities are woven together through acts of informal mutual support, both practical and emotional.

One community member told us “once we knew we could talk about problems without being judged, that’s what brought us closer together.”

Another said “There’s a lady that has been in and out of hospital through hips and knees. The support has always been there. It’s always, “Do you need anything? Can we come and visit? Do you need help when you get home?” The support is there if you need it.”

It’s a simple observation, but it tells us something important about how resilience grows around us.

When we feel that we have people in our lives that we can depend on, and who can depend on us, we all feel more prepared for the unexpected, and that’s when the everyday connections we’re making – at work, in our social groups, in our neighbourhoods – can become something much more.

From friendly faces to people we can count on

Through a two-year project exploring community resilience (in partnership with the Department of Fire and Emergency Services), we explored how relationships formed through everyday activities can grow into meaningful sources of mutual support.

Community members described gestures of practical support from within their social and community groups that helped them to feel seen, heard and held during difficult times.

We look after each other. If somebody needs a lift, people pick them up. If somebody is unwell, people visit. If somebody needs to talk, there is someone there.

Sometimes I can't get out of bed because I have MS and Crohn's Disease. Some days I'm in bed for three days. When I was very sick with a migraine and had been in bed for five days, Gayatri quietly came to my house, did the housework and checked on me. I didn't even know she'd been there until my daughter told me. I hadn't asked. She just turned up.

If a family member has passed away, people step in. They look after animals or houses. If someone needs furniture, another person has furniture to pass on. If somebody needs a trade, you can normally find someone who can help without massive costs. We’ve even found a room when somebody has gone homeless for a period of time.

When she had a home inspection by her agent, I offered to help clean so that she would pass the inspection, as her health prevented her from doing some things. This became a regular thing at the three-monthly inspections. I would help her lift and move things, clean windows, dust blinds and clean throughout.

You might notice that these aren’t necessarily all grand gestures. They’re ordinary acts of care, made possible by each individual intentionally stepping up and in when they see an opportunity to make someone’s life easier.

Another finding from our research showed us that gestures of support don’t always need to be practical. Sometimes, knowing you can talk openly with someone who won’t judge you is a form of support in itself.

If I am having a difficult time, there are people from Befriend I can call and say, “I am feeling insecure,” or, “I am feeling whatever.” We can talk about it and usually laugh about it. Those are things you do not share with everyone.

One day she asked how I was, and I told her I hadn’t been very good and couldn’t get out of bed. When we left, she spoke to me in the car park and tried to help me think about ways to get out more. It made me feel that someone actually cared for me and about my health. It was quite touching that she would take the time to speak with me and try to help me out of the way I had been feeling.

How can we strengthen the connections around us?

We don’t need to wait until someone is having a difficult time to build the kind of relationships where support feels possible.

We can start small:

Check in with someone you haven’t seen for a while
Make time for a conversation that goes beyond “how’s your week?”
Listen when someone shares something difficult (without feeling that you need to fix it)
Offer practical help when you can, even if it’s something seemingly small (hint; no act of support is ever too small)
Gently let someone know when you’re having a hard time, if you feel comfortable and safe doing so
Keep showing up to the groups and gatherings where familiar faces can gradually become friends

You don’t have to do all of these things all of the time, and you don’t have to be everyone’s support person. Even small, occasional acts of care can help relationships deepen over time.

Who’s in your corner?

Take a moment to think about the people in your life.

Who could you talk to if things weren’t going well?
Who might notice if you stopped showing up?
Who do you check in on, and who checks in on you?

Your village might include close friends and family, but it might also include neighbours, people from a local group, workmates or someone you regularly bump into in your community. You might already have more connections than you realise. Perhaps there’s one relationship you’d like to nurture a little more, or someone you could reach out to today.

Our work writing the Hidden Lifelines report reminds us that resilience isn’t only something we draw on when life goes wrong. It’s something we practise through the relationships we cultivate every day. Every time we listen without judgement, offer a helping hand, accept support or make space for someone to be themselves, we’re helping build a community where people can look out for one another.

With thanks to the Department of Fire and Emergency Services for their support in bringing this project to life. Please note that some names have been changed to protect the privacy of community members who participated in the research.